7 notes on boundaries
A monthly series on topics from my therapy practice (and my own life!) Starting with boundaries, because they are fundamental to being in relationship with anything and anyone.
Introducing 7 notes on what I know about something (a monthly series).
What I know is not what you know, which might seem like a strange thing to say. But it’s important. I don’t want you to file these posts in a box marked ‘knows more than me’ because I happen to be a therapist. This is not intended as sound advice, or sage wisdom, or notes on what you should do differently. Rather, it’s intended as an offering to help you gather your own thoughts and feelings on a topic. What you know about how something lands in your own experience will always have more to say than anything I could. Which I know is the complete opposite of a set of 7 tips or hacks you might be hoping for. Nonetheless, I hope that it’s helpful.
Boundaries
So what are boundaries anyway? As we’ve all become increasingly mired in therapy speak, I’d hazard that most of you reading this have an idea. But let’s just see if we are on the same page.
Simply put, boundaries are the dividing line between what’s OK and what’s not for you in a particular relationship. Boundaries begin with an unambiguous statement of your needs and expectations. Which is hard in itself, right? I’m not saying this stuff is easy. A statement which needs to be backed up by behaviour in order to be effective. Ugh, even more difficult. The combination of clear communication and subsequent action is what makes for a good boundary.
It’s no use saying please take your shoes off at the door, and then letting someone trample all over the pale carpet of your life.1
A boundary in action might look something like this (and owning your feelings with an ‘I’ statement is a helpful way to initiate communication):
I want you to call before stopping by.
Thanks, I hope you have a good time, but I won’t be able to make it.
I don’t feel comfortable when you talk about Ali in that way. Please stop.
I’m really hungry by the time you get in. I’d like us to eat earlier.
For a recovering people pleaser, good girl, and overly polite English person, even writing that list was tough. I wanted to add ‘sorry, but’ and all sorts of unnecessary explanation or obsequious fluff. Keeping it simple and direct is key. This is hard when you have spent a lifetime trying to be nice.
Photo by Alice Donovan Rouse on Unsplash
So here are 7 notes which came to mind about boundaries. It’s by no means an exhaustive list, and I will most likely do a sequel, or even a mini series!
As you are reading through this, also know that boundaries are not always with other people, although that’s most often what I’m referring to. Boundaries could pertain to your relationship with yourself and certain behaviours that you want to set limits around.
1. Some of us a more permeable than others
As a person who describes themselves as ‘highly sensitive’ I know that I am prone to taking on too much of the emotion in the room. I tune into feelings and absorb them as if they were my own. I project all sorts of possible motives in to an awkward silence, or a glance that seems askance, or a comment that is a little off. Sometimes this is a super power, and sometimes this is simply stupid. Particularly when I get it wrong and assume someone’s low mood is because of something I did or didn’t do. It usually isn’t.
So, what’s this got to do with boundaries? My point is that I sometimes have trouble knowing where I end and you begin. I have to work hard at this. I have to be careful not to take too much on. The people who need boundaries the most are often the empaths, the sensitive souls, the highly feeling people, the ones who are more permeable in this world. We need boundaries to keep our stuff in and their stuff out.
2. You get to decide where the boundary is
This seems like an obvious thing to say, but in a lot of relationships it feels impossible to say no, or even make miniscule changes to the rules of engagement.
You get to decide where the boundary is. That’s your job. It’s not your job to manage someone else’s reaction to your boundary. Although this is where it gets difficult (and maybe that’s a topic for a future post).
3. Boundaries are not easy, even for a therapist
I spent 2 years in weekly personal therapy as part of my counselling and psychotherapy training. My therapist was pure person centred in her approach. She mostly reflected back what I said, or gently summarised, and didn’t share her opinions with me. A lot of the time we sat in silence. It was deeply uncomfortable. Yet I had no doubt that she cared for me. It was a stunning example of clear boundaries in action. I knew where I stood. She didn’t try to fix me or to please me. I was the one who needed to turn up and do the work.
By the way, I’m not like this in my own therapeutic practice - I do share more of myself - I mean, look at me here. I am vulnerable. I do say what I think, where appropriate. But I am acutely aware of the importance of boundaries and the effort it takes to apply them consistently.
What I want to say is that you can be the most grounded and calm person in many areas of life, and still find others challenging. Let’s return to the analogy of that pale carpet. The steady footfall of imprints from your very earliest relationships can make it very hard to determine where an acceptable boundary lies. For example, you may have great intentions not to let a family member walk all over you, in subtle or not so subtle ways, then find yourself laying out the welcome mat. This is very human.
If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.
— Ram Dass
4. Your ability to stick to boundaries depends on how ‘resourced’ you are
We are often crying out for boundaries (with ourselves and others) when we become stressed and out of balance. When we get triggered by something that has been said and snap back. When we become anxious and revert to people pleasing. When we want to hide away and not communicate at all, let alone state our needs and expectations. So the irony is that is that when we most need boundaries is when they are most difficult to apply.
Until we have practised enough that a boundary becomes our default, it takes a lot of mental effort to apply a rule and stick to it. Our thinking brain needs to be online. We need to be well regulated. To be ‘resourced’ in this context means to have tools that we can call on when things are tough. That’s why it’s important to work on the skill of coming back into a calmer and more grounded state at times when you are not under pressure. Your ability to set and maintain boundaries depends on it.
For some simple and practical ways to build the skills to resource yourself, you can upgrade to become a paid subscriber to access my upcoming mini course, called Growing Present.
Next week I’m kicking things off with an introductory post and video. Then there will be a series of 5 short videos released each week with accompanying guided audio practices and a one page summary. Here’s what we will be covering:
Becoming aware - noticing your life as it unfolds
Pressing pause - learning how to respond rather than react
Holding uncertainty - finding solid ground when you feel anxious
Making space - realising that you are not your thoughts
Being kind - making friends with your inner critic
5. Boundaries need maintenance
Anyone who has a garden knows that a great deal of effort goes into maintaining the edges, otherwise you risk losing plants, nutrients leaching away, and soil eroding.
Setting boundaries is not a once and done activity. Both you and the other person involved will need reminders about what your boundaries are and why you have set them. It’s very easy to fall back into comfortable roles and responses, even if this causes us suffering.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
6. Boundaries change over time
Sometimes people get very stuck with rules they once set that no longer serve them or the relationship. Yes, it is important not to let that natural process of erosion (see point 5 above) weaken your original resolve to set a limit with someone. Yes, many people do not change fundamentally, and we can get drawn back into unhealthy patterns of relating. But it’s also true to say that as you evolve and develop as a person, those around you do too. Your needs and expectations change. Your capacity for dealing with your own and other people’s crap may increase or decrease over time.
This has happened as my parents and I have aged (and mellowed) alongside each other. There was a time when I needed to set much clearer boundaries around my tendency to over-share with my mum, and her tendency to over-protect me. We both had to learn what was appropriate in our relationship as adults. The process of individuation is developmentally normal. At some point we need to assert our own needs and desires in order to leave the nest. Now I find that I am the one who is doing most of the caring for my elderly parents. The dynamic has shifted 360 degrees. This requires different boundaries.
7. Boundaries save relationships
People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.
— Nedra Glover Tawwab
In the short term, setting boundaries can be the single most uncomfortable thing you can do in a relationship. We have evolved as a social species. We don’t want to be ostracised from a family or friendship group. Applying a boundary can feel incredibly scary because we fear being judged or excluded.
We maintain a facade of being OK with things to keep the peace, to be liked, to fit in, to avoid conflict. We can live like this for years, simmering with passive aggression. Then there comes a point where the pot boils. The slow and steady damage to our self worth outweighs the value of the relationship. We blow up. We walk out. We say and do things we regret.
When you find an authentic way to express your needs with others, everyone benefits. The steam is released from the pot. You can regulate your emotions because you haven’t taken on too much. You can maintain those boundaries because you are well regulated. A virtuous cycle emerges. Relationships stand a much better chance of surviving and even thriving in these conditions2.
So there you have it, 7 notes on boundaries for starters. I hope this post was helpful and sparked some further reflections for you. How are boundaries going for you so far? Let me know in the comments or reply to this email. Mine are certainly still a work in progress…
As always, just a reminder that this Substack isn’t therapy or coaching. If this post brings up anything that is triggering for you or that you need to process further, please seek the support of qualified professional.
I offer 1:1 sessions in my Therapeutic Coaching practice, which you can find out more about here. I specialise in working with mothers, so my website references this, but I do also see a wide range of clients with different issues.
A nice visual image, but please don’t assume that I have anything resembling pale carpet in my house.
Please note that there are some relationships (involving abuse or aggressive boundary violations) where the only appropriate action is to completely remove yourself. If you are in a crisis situation or need immediate help please contact your local emergency services. In the UK, you can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for free and confidential advice, 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
I am really excited about this series you are starting! Boundaries have been my lesson for the past year or so as I have come to respect myself much more and feel more comfortable asking for what I need. I identify as high sensitive and this can lead to a lot of boundaries, I have found life to be more easeful with my people when I am honest about and ask for what I need.
Thanks for highlighting the dynamics and shifts/changes in boundaries over time. Within the love-bubble we created we evolved to an almost 'boundary-less' state of being, but the border to the outside had fortress-like peep-holes and turrets. The 24/7 fragility forged us into a mind-meld....sorry wayyyy to many metaphors here...a last one. Imagine me sitting with our tin of custard creams and big mug of tea nibbling on the biscuit and mulling over your words..
- how my parents and I became like a single-entity...that empath-telepathy so the other doesn't need to speak.
- how I used slow, explicit directive language in email-updates and on the phone with ALL the different stakeholder interactions - medical, family. This is what a champion of the fortress does.
Drop-custard cream, Caregiver a-haaaaa - yep!