The roots of 'true' self care 🌱

What do we need in order to take care of ourselves? Spoiler alert: it's not what social media says you should be doing. Plus an introduction to my mini course Growing Present.

When I was looking for images to illustrate this piece, all I could find were the clichés. Self care, according to the internet, is bubble baths, scented candles, artfully placed blooms, crisp white bed linen. Self care is the perfect barista-formed heart in my artisan coffee. Self care is the unmarked page of a beautifully bound journal. Self care is impossibly beautiful people in tranquil undisturbed places. Self care is yoga practice in a deserted loft apartment. Self care is infinity pools of endless time and possibility. By these standards, self care is about as far from my life as it gets.

I have nothing against bubble baths, or any of these other totems of self care. There’s nothing I like better than easing myself into a slightly too hot tub of water, knees rising up like mountains through clouds of soapy froth. I might even go so far as leaning back and closing my eyes. The trouble is that the fantasy of undisturbed time is precisely that, a fantasy. First, the door is likely to be nudged open by my needy dog who will come and put her head over the edge of the bath for a sniff. Then my daughter will shout that she has forgotten the password for the app she needs to login to for her homework. Then I hear the beep of the answer machine as my mum leaves a panicky message about needing to collect a prescription. The infinity pool becomes a quick dip and perfunctory scrub.

I know, you will tell me to go and read my own advice on having better boundaries. It’s just that I am at a stage of life where self care looks a little different. Self care becomes a collection of glimmers, rather than a week long yoga retreat in an exotic location.

Glimmers refer to small moments when our biology is in a place of connection or regulation, which cues our nervous system to feel safe or calm.

We're not talking great, big, expansive experiences of joy or safety or connection, these are micro moments that begin to shape our system in very gentle ways.

Deb Dana

Photo by Chelsea Shapouri on Unsplash

Why bother with self care?

Before I get into what I mean by the roots of true self care, it’s worth asking the question of ‘why bother?’ Self care has only become an essential ingredient for modern life (and a perfect image in a stock photo library) in the last 5-10 years. What did people do before scented candles? There are some clues about why self care has become so fashionable in the the context of modern consumer society, individualism, and hustle culture. Although I’m not here to write a sociology essay, I think it is worth touching on this.

The sanitised social media version of self care we are bombarded with has shifted a long way from its original roots¹. Back in the 1950s, self care gained popularity as a medical concept about preventing or managing health problems through good nutrition, sleep, and exercise habits. Not a scented candle in sight. Then self care became a core component of the Feminist and Civil Rights Movements in the 1960s. Women and people of colour reclaimed self care as a radical act of autonomy: a necessary corrective against the failures of the system to meet their needs. Again, no scented candles required, but you could light a flame under the constructs of a patriarchal society to improve life for all of us.

Moving to today, and somehow self care has morphed into something we need to do and get right to be optimal humans. It becomes a source of striving and self judgement. It has also become inextricably linked to consumer products and images of perfection. These represent a further source of striving and self judgement. I hope you are with me here, but my view is that neither striving nor self judgement contribute to actual care of yourself. In fact, the drive to practice self care is likely to undermine any sense of contentment or peace you may be hoping for in life.

So if adding ‘must make time for self care’ to your to-do list is not the ultimate source of happiness, what then? You are here, reading this, and we both know that a sense of contentment and peace might be worth cultivating. What I’m going to share over the coming weeks (in my mini course called Growing Present) does require some effort. But I want to remove the pressure to get it right. I want to make it as easy as possible. I will share some foundational principles and practices that I believe form the roots of true self care. My hope is that these become attitudes to life and ways of being, rather than things you have to do or achieve.

What is ‘true’ self care then?

Here’s a meme that was doing the rounds a few years ago, from self-help author Brianna Wiest on ‘true’ self care.

Self-care should not be something we resort to because we are so absolutely exhausted that we need some reprieve from our own relentless internal pressure. True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

Brianna Wiest

I take issue with the notion that this is all about choice. Many of us do not have the luxury of choice. At the intersection of gender, race, social class, culture and so on, there are huge structural factors that prevent people from slowing down or stopping to take care of themselves. They are simply too busy earning enough to keep a roof over their heads, caring for others, or managing chronic mental and physical illness. Even from my privileged position as a white middle class woman, I’m sandwiched between the needs of my child and my elderly parents. I have a serious long term health condition. I’m aware that there is often little choice available to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.

And yet, there is an essential truth I want to call our attention towards. The truth is that within the limited time or options we have, there is a choice. It is a choice to become present to what is actually here. To notice life as it unfolds, however mundane, unfulfilling, or even painful it might seem. And in the noticing, there is an opportunity. An opportunity to tune in to the tiny things which nourish us, rather than deplete us. An opportunity to inhabit the whole of our experience and become alive to the ‘glimmers’ that Deb Dana speaks of. An opportunity to turn towards any difficult feelings we find with some kindness. This is where my definition of ‘true’ self care begins.

Self care as it is presented to us in modern consumerist terms is often about escapism. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of escaping every now and then. My habit of watching Masterchef episodes while I am cooking a very non gourmet everyday supper is a case in point. I am not constantly present. I lose myself scrolling on Instagram. I reach for chocolate out of comforting habit. I have conversations with my partner and daughter where I am not really with them, but off in my head somewhere trying to remember the important thing I know I’ve forgotten. Some are ‘healthier’ strategies than others. But all are ways of moving away from what is right here in front of us. So my very first invitation if you sign up to join us in Growing Present will be to turn towards what is here. Have a look at the introductory video below.

What can you expect from Growing Present?

As a paid subscriber, you will receive a Growing Present post each week (alongside my free content). These posts build into a mini course. There are 15 posts in total, so the content grows over the next few months into a toolkit of practices you can refer back to again and again.

Each week includes:

• 10-15 minute video. I talk you through a foundational principle and simple practice to try each week.

• 5-10 minute guided audio practice. So you can listen in your own time.

• One page summary of the principle and practice to download as a reminder.

• A subscriber thread on Substack where you can ask questions or share how things are going for you with the practices.

It’s intended as a gentle container to provide structure and guidance to weave these threads of presence into the daily fabric of your life.

Here’s what we will be covering in the first 5 segments:

1. Becoming aware - noticing your life as it unfolds

2. Pressing pause - learning how to respond rather than react

3. Holding uncertainty - finding solid ground when you feel anxious

4. Making space - realising that you are not your thoughts

5. Being kind - making friends with your inner critic

My hope is that some of the principles and practices I share may become your ‘go to’ ways to begin or end the day. I’d like them to feel like dear friends to call upon when you need some extra support.

Because as well as scented candles and bubble baths, I think we all need to truly take care of our tender hearts and minds. What do you reckon? Does this kind of self care feel like a possibility to you?

1. For a really interesting read about the history of self care see this article by Aisha Harris on Slate.com